Happy Moment #10: Resolutions
I think that most people would agree that making resolutions at the beginning of the year isn't always a good idea -- I mean, they are just going to get broken, right? In fact, I have often hated this time of the year because the gym gets totally packed for those first few weeks, sometimes keeping me from a favorite treadmill or elliptical. If you look up the definition of "resolution" via Google, the words are actually quite interesting: "1.a firm decision to do or not to do something. 2.the action of solving a problem, dispute, or contentious matter." I love the word "firm" here -- an adjective that encompasses so much hope. And as I spend this year trying to figure out "contentious matter" (i.e. what does happiness look like to me?), this definition rings even truer. So ... how about I try some resolutions? I need to make sure that these assertions are both reasonable and do-able, of course! But I also want to make sure that these resolutions makes me happy.
1. Keep blogging and making sure I get to the end of #50for50. I need to work hard at identifying happy moments and then sitting down, thinking about them, and writing. It is the writing that is sometimes the hardest task here -- I get so busy and so tired that the last thing I want to do is to sit down and write.
2. Work on organization. I know that it would not be reasonable to be 100% together by the end of this year but I need to be better than where I am now. Right now? Total crap for the most part. I can't find anything in my office at either home or at work and it is becoming almost a norm for me to buy the same sewing pattern or book twice. Not good. There must be a way for me to make a little progress in this regard. For example, I could work better at organizing my "sports stuff" so I can better find it when I need it (i.e. Where the fuck is my yoga mat?" five minutes before yoga class).
3. Stay within a budget. There isn't much to say here. I am terrible at keeping to a budget. I mean, really terrible. I mean like Gosh-I-Hope-Jim-Doesn't-Leave-Me-Because-I-Can't-Stay-Within-A-Budget terrible. And I think I sort of know where some of the buying comes from. I notice that when I am sad or a bit on the depressed side that it is easier for me to click "buy." This item (whatever happens to be in front of my eyes) will surely make me feel better about myself! Sure, I feel better for a few minutes but it doesn't last. And by the look of my personal checking account, I must be pretty depressed right now. So I need to not go beyond the boundaries of my personal checking account when it comes to buying things just for me. Which means no touching our joint account. Perhaps an indirect result of this resolution? This also means that I will use more of the fabric and sewing patterns that I already own instead of buying more.
4. Read. I have committed to reading 45 books for the Goodreads Book Challenge this year (I committed to 40 last year and made it). I am noticing that listening to novels via Audible is making my commute a better experience. I love rocking out as much as the next person but I think the music (in general) doesn't relax me as much as listening to a story or a soothing voice. In fact, at the moment I am listening to Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates right now and I am loving it. I keep rewinding it (and it is awesome that he is narrating his own book!). The most important aspect, though, is that his book has me THINKING. For example, I just finished the part where he describes travelling to Paris and his intiial experiences of obtaining a passport and embarking on a trip aboad.
"Sitting in the Luxembourg Gardens on my last day I saw a beautiful palace, but it was no doubt built while peasants starved. I walked down the Champs Elysees and saw the stunning Arc de Triomphe, glorifying an emperor's conquest. I picniced in the Buttes Chaumont park with the lovers kissing and friends toasting and families filling the Indian and Tibetan and Senegalese restaurants nearby, but also walked home through hot, packed, and dilapidated apartment complexes reflecting inequality and oppression that the city's monuments and postcards would like me to believe are of a different era. I'm struck by how many sought an escape from American racism here yet ugly and other forms of racism were stewing here, too. How the problems of conquest and empire and inequality and racism of the past are also our problems now. How, like Baldwin said, history isn't just past but present, too." (These words are actually from a piece he did for The Atlantic -- click here for the entire article!)
I mean those words, right? I think driving while listening to Coates' words is changing my thinking and my perceptions. And as much as I love my 80's pop songs, that ain't going to happen while listening to Rick Springfield or Abba.
5. Like me a little more. I am trying to be kinder to me -- like I stopped drinking soda back in late October and I have started eating a little better in terms of my IBS and my problem with bloating and all that fun stuff (I just started taking some probiotics). I am guessing that like most people that there will be lots of ups and downs in terms of liking and accepting me for the "me" that I am.
But I want to consciously work to like "me" when I feel like other people don't like me (which I know can often just be in my head). Like writer Alison Malee says above, I want to be okay with myself even when other folks might not be "okay" with me. I am almost 50 fucking years old. This self doubt and self hate has to stop. Period.
Five resolutions are enough. I once read somewhere that dates that come around every year (like New Years) help us measure progress in our lives (or something like that). So instead of seeing these five resolutions as tasks that must be completed by December 31, I would like to think of them as "thoughts" to keep me focused on being kinder to those around me -- and myself. Wish me luck!
